I haven't been blogging lately because the most major thing going on in my life right now is a personal failure.
I did not complete an assignment I had agreed to do for our church. It was a promotional video for our upcoming Flourish worship concert on Sept 27. Long story short, I did not do it.
My mind tries to give excuses but my heart knows the truth. I was selfish and irresponsible and did not give the project the attention and energy I promised and that it deserved. I flaked.
Lately, I have been struggling with ambitionlessness. A sort of life-boredom. This time last year I was all over this project! I wanted to make a splash, to make a difference. This year I am almost indifferent.
It disturbs me. I know I am feeling this way, but I don't understand why. Mid-life crisis? As a young man I imagined my life very differently. Nothing really turned out the way I dreamed it would. But my life is great! Great family, home, work I mostly enjoy, hobbies, friends and church. Nothing to complain about. Very safe and very stable. Very.
To admit to this failure was difficult. Very humbling. I tried to give no excuses, but be honest about what happened. Don't know if I did a good job at that, buy hey, I'm even confused about how and why it happened! There was never any deception. I fully expected to finish the video, up until the last week when it became obvious it was too late.
To not have discussed it here would have been dishonest. I am trying to live my life openly, and this happened, so I should discuss it, as embarrasing as it is. I've been keeping my head low lately and trying to not over-commit myself. I want my word to be my bond, and to be a trustworthy fellow. I want my yes to be yes, and my no to be no. It takes years to build a reputation, but it can be destroyed in an instant. My reputation is not just my own. I also represent Christ. I don't want to take anything away from Him. I'm just glad He can draw straight lines with a crooked stick like me.
Peace, love and a hard look inside,
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